Facing Giants!
As Christmas is approaching I find myself dreading it more and more. Not that I don't like Christmas, it is by far my favorite holiday. There is something blessed about this time of year. The music is jolly, the snows a falling, everyone for the most part are in a pretty cheerful mood. The smell of the Christmas tree is grand and then all the beautiful lights, well just make this time of year very enchanting. I love Christmas and all of its cheer.
You see my memories of Christmas as a kid are just grand. We lived in this little house next door to where my grand parents live now, and I can still remember and smell the old family room where we would light the fire and put up the tree. And the sent of burning pine and Christmas tree for me is very nostalgic. My whole life we celebrated Christmas with my cousin Jeremy and Heather, my aunt and uncle, Sheri and Danny, my Grand parents, and sometimes my aunt and uncle, Debbie and Keith. We would stay in our PJ's and sit around the fire and play with what ever new thing we happened to get that year. My cousin Jeremy and I were like best friends and so to share this time with him it was very grand time. My parents on the other side of things never were around. In fact to this day I have not one memory of my mom at Christmas and only like 4 with my dad. And that being said that the last 3 years my dad has been at Christmas making only 1 memory prior to that. I dread going cause I dread facing one of the goliaths in my life. I have so much hurt and anger in my heart that seeing my dad at my favorite time of the year kind a makes it for me a hard time to be cheery. I find myself battling feeling I forgot I even had, ever time I am around him. I think it could be different if I felt like he even cared that I was his son, but he is so clueless to my life it is almost comical. I want so badly to forgive and move on, to just accept my lot and go on with my life. In fact I try really hard. When I am around him all he does is lie about everything, so much so I think that even he believes his own lies. And it is really hard to take the fact that no one really calls him out on anything. I have tried to tell him how I feel and how much he has hurt me but somehow it always just comes back to him. How nothing was his fault. Having the man that is suppose to be your father, show you nothing more than what it means to be 50 and have absolutely nothing going for yourself. To still live with mom and dad cause he can't do it on his own. To run from everything in his life and yet still pretend that life is different. Sometimes I just can't take it.
I hold my baby boy everyday and think to myself-how the hell could anyone do that to his or her child. How could someone just skip out and never look back. I tell my little boy daily that I love him, I hug him and kiss him, and at the same time I know that I don't even know what that feels like. I use to long for those things, now I guess I have come to a place that I will be what my father wasn't to me. I refuse to hurt my son this way. Sometimes I don't even want my son around him in fear that he will hurt him like he hurt me. I hate these things about my self, how angry I can be. I just don't know how to let go.
I have fallen on my face time and time again crying out for relief, crying out for healing, crying out for forgiveness, professing with my mouth that I forgive him. I have written him letters and tried talking with him and yet the wound is still very raw. I don't hate him; I am just so saddened by his life. The pain is real, and sometimes the very sight of a man loving his child can just break me in half. I sit here in the heart of my pain knowing that in order to travel through I must wait it out. I much face my goliath. I know that just the fact he is here in my life now is God saying it is time to heal this broken heart of yours. That though this is going to be hard, I am with you, I am your salvation and I am your fortress.
I pray for this season to regain its joy. I pray that my heart can be alive even when death is creeping at my door. I pray that the Birth of Christ and the birth of my own son can be the healing factors of an absent father. I pray for the guidance on becoming a true man, a godly man, a man who would die for his family and considers his own life less valuable than those he loves. Let Christ be Christmas this year!
You see my memories of Christmas as a kid are just grand. We lived in this little house next door to where my grand parents live now, and I can still remember and smell the old family room where we would light the fire and put up the tree. And the sent of burning pine and Christmas tree for me is very nostalgic. My whole life we celebrated Christmas with my cousin Jeremy and Heather, my aunt and uncle, Sheri and Danny, my Grand parents, and sometimes my aunt and uncle, Debbie and Keith. We would stay in our PJ's and sit around the fire and play with what ever new thing we happened to get that year. My cousin Jeremy and I were like best friends and so to share this time with him it was very grand time. My parents on the other side of things never were around. In fact to this day I have not one memory of my mom at Christmas and only like 4 with my dad. And that being said that the last 3 years my dad has been at Christmas making only 1 memory prior to that. I dread going cause I dread facing one of the goliaths in my life. I have so much hurt and anger in my heart that seeing my dad at my favorite time of the year kind a makes it for me a hard time to be cheery. I find myself battling feeling I forgot I even had, ever time I am around him. I think it could be different if I felt like he even cared that I was his son, but he is so clueless to my life it is almost comical. I want so badly to forgive and move on, to just accept my lot and go on with my life. In fact I try really hard. When I am around him all he does is lie about everything, so much so I think that even he believes his own lies. And it is really hard to take the fact that no one really calls him out on anything. I have tried to tell him how I feel and how much he has hurt me but somehow it always just comes back to him. How nothing was his fault. Having the man that is suppose to be your father, show you nothing more than what it means to be 50 and have absolutely nothing going for yourself. To still live with mom and dad cause he can't do it on his own. To run from everything in his life and yet still pretend that life is different. Sometimes I just can't take it.
I hold my baby boy everyday and think to myself-how the hell could anyone do that to his or her child. How could someone just skip out and never look back. I tell my little boy daily that I love him, I hug him and kiss him, and at the same time I know that I don't even know what that feels like. I use to long for those things, now I guess I have come to a place that I will be what my father wasn't to me. I refuse to hurt my son this way. Sometimes I don't even want my son around him in fear that he will hurt him like he hurt me. I hate these things about my self, how angry I can be. I just don't know how to let go.
I have fallen on my face time and time again crying out for relief, crying out for healing, crying out for forgiveness, professing with my mouth that I forgive him. I have written him letters and tried talking with him and yet the wound is still very raw. I don't hate him; I am just so saddened by his life. The pain is real, and sometimes the very sight of a man loving his child can just break me in half. I sit here in the heart of my pain knowing that in order to travel through I must wait it out. I much face my goliath. I know that just the fact he is here in my life now is God saying it is time to heal this broken heart of yours. That though this is going to be hard, I am with you, I am your salvation and I am your fortress.
I pray for this season to regain its joy. I pray that my heart can be alive even when death is creeping at my door. I pray that the Birth of Christ and the birth of my own son can be the healing factors of an absent father. I pray for the guidance on becoming a true man, a godly man, a man who would die for his family and considers his own life less valuable than those he loves. Let Christ be Christmas this year!
O Little Town of Bellefontaine!
I grew up on the west coast in a little mountain town in the heart of Oregon. I was a wild little child with an adventurous type of personality. I loved the outdoors (still do) and I spent a bigger part of my youth in the Oregon wild. I love to fish and would fish a river about a couple miles from my house called the Deschutes River, A beautiful wondrous river placed down in a rocky canyon full of browns, rainbows, and cutthroat trout. It is a hard river to access and it is fly-fishing only making it a dwelling of large fish.
I also lived on a canyon that was full of dark crevasses and caves and miles of cow country. I grew up exploring this land, dreaming up grand adventure, and all the while, trying to be a kid in the midst of the departure of my parents. I know that God was healing my heart, even though I didn't know him, through the beauty of his creation.
I lived on the west coast about 30 years and swore I would never leave. I swore I couldn't handle living somewhere where mountains & oceans didn't exist. Where stars were so many that they made a cluster of white and the air that was so dry, crisp and fresh you can hardly get enough.
It is funny how life changes and sometimes takes us to the very places we don't want to go. I am now living in Bellefontaine OH and well there are none of the things that I love here. The town just got its first coffee shop, and well that is nice but the coffee is still just average. There is never live music, little to none trout fishing, no mountains to climb and defiantly not much to do. I find my self with a lot of time on my hands. The craziest part of the whole thing is that I am the most satisfied I have been in years. I am finding that is better to be where God wants you then to be where you want to be. I am learning that God desires obedience more than sacrifice. I am also learning that I had gotten really distracted by everything around me, and had lost sight of the truest of my loves, that being Christ. I am learn to lay in the bed that Christ is putting before me and finding that his ways are so much better than mine. I have said I believe these things for years but I don't believe my belief really became a reality until I stepped forth in faith and started handing over my desires. My passion is returning, my heart is softening, my mind is strengthening, my goals are changing, and my life is becoming meaningful. If you wait to step out until you believe you might be waiting a really long time. You see if you already believed you wouldn't need faith. Faith comes before belief. Sometimes letting go is really hard to do, but let us care more about his will than our own.
"Trust in the lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
I also lived on a canyon that was full of dark crevasses and caves and miles of cow country. I grew up exploring this land, dreaming up grand adventure, and all the while, trying to be a kid in the midst of the departure of my parents. I know that God was healing my heart, even though I didn't know him, through the beauty of his creation.
I lived on the west coast about 30 years and swore I would never leave. I swore I couldn't handle living somewhere where mountains & oceans didn't exist. Where stars were so many that they made a cluster of white and the air that was so dry, crisp and fresh you can hardly get enough.
It is funny how life changes and sometimes takes us to the very places we don't want to go. I am now living in Bellefontaine OH and well there are none of the things that I love here. The town just got its first coffee shop, and well that is nice but the coffee is still just average. There is never live music, little to none trout fishing, no mountains to climb and defiantly not much to do. I find my self with a lot of time on my hands. The craziest part of the whole thing is that I am the most satisfied I have been in years. I am finding that is better to be where God wants you then to be where you want to be. I am learning that God desires obedience more than sacrifice. I am also learning that I had gotten really distracted by everything around me, and had lost sight of the truest of my loves, that being Christ. I am learn to lay in the bed that Christ is putting before me and finding that his ways are so much better than mine. I have said I believe these things for years but I don't believe my belief really became a reality until I stepped forth in faith and started handing over my desires. My passion is returning, my heart is softening, my mind is strengthening, my goals are changing, and my life is becoming meaningful. If you wait to step out until you believe you might be waiting a really long time. You see if you already believed you wouldn't need faith. Faith comes before belief. Sometimes letting go is really hard to do, but let us care more about his will than our own.
"Trust in the lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
Strangleholds and Video Tapes
"Egotism is pathological self-obsession, a reaction to anxiety about whether one really does count. It is a form of acute self-consciousness and can be prevented and healed only by the experience of being adequately loved. It is, indeed, a desperate response to frustration of the need we all have to count for something and be held to be irreplaceable, with price." Dallas Willard - The Divine Conspiracy
When I was a child I remember making up these grand ideas of how I was so great at something in order to make myself feel like I was someone. The stories I came up with were absolutely ridiculous and now thinking back on them I find them quite funny, yet sad all at the same time. For example, I use to like to tape movies, being that DVDs were not invented yet. I would be able to get 3 movies per tape and I would take such pride in the order and organization of them. I remember going on and on dreaming about how people would stumble upon my tapes and would be just blown away at how good I was at taping them. I would dream about hero moments of being hoisted up on shoulders and wondrous chants being said in name of Shawn the amazing taper. Silly I know and looking back on this I am almost embarrassed to even confess it, being how stupid it is in light of real achievement. But the truth is I wanted to just feel important. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to just know that someone thought I was all right.
I grew up with my grand parents and even though I know they loved me very much, they didn't love me the way I needed to be loved. I needed Parents that cared about my heart and while mine were off somewhere mostly likely getting high I never knew what that was like. I grew up affirming myself. I grew up dreaming grand Ideas of who I wish I were. I was never good at anything, never the kid who made it, never the athlete, never the straight A student, I was never cool, never funny, I wasn't even a good nerd, I just was. And so I would make up these, to me, glorious achievements, of how I was someone. You see I felt so unloved, or even a better way of putting it is that I felt unlovable. That was the definition I came up with to explain my parent's departure. And so I lived a bigger part of my life living in a fantasyland that took me to a place of deep self-obsession. I even to this day struggle with thoughts of self-worth. I am trying to learn how to reprogram my mind and heart. Hoping that someday that when the storms of "self-worth" flood in, the rock of "true-worth" will out weigh and I will be able to stand firm in the fact that I am uniquely made and deeply loved void of fantasy. It is one thing to say you believe these things, like being loved, but it is another to actually live in a way that proves it. I say I believe god loves me and my, oh so small life issues, but the fact I didn't have a father makes relating to "God the father" a very hard thing for me to grasp.
I have been reading "The Divine Conspiracy - By Dallas Willard". A really deep and slow read but very profound. That being said I wanted to state another quote that I think goes along the lines of reprogramming our hearts.
"So any significant change can come only by breaking the stranglehold of the ideas and concepts that automatically shunt aside Jesus, "the Prince of Life" when questions of concrete mastery of our life arise." Dallas Willard
I am finding I have lots of strangleholds. That I have grown up believing life is one way but I am finding that my believe system to quickly falling apart. That the survival modes that I used to pull my self through the pains of childhood are the very things that are killing my life and the ones I love around me today. The self-centeredness that saved my heart from dieing as a child is now my greatest enemy. I think the only hope for life is on the movement of our father to bring us out of the shell of self. It is only there that flesh and blood separate and it is by the blood that we have life.
When I was a child I remember making up these grand ideas of how I was so great at something in order to make myself feel like I was someone. The stories I came up with were absolutely ridiculous and now thinking back on them I find them quite funny, yet sad all at the same time. For example, I use to like to tape movies, being that DVDs were not invented yet. I would be able to get 3 movies per tape and I would take such pride in the order and organization of them. I remember going on and on dreaming about how people would stumble upon my tapes and would be just blown away at how good I was at taping them. I would dream about hero moments of being hoisted up on shoulders and wondrous chants being said in name of Shawn the amazing taper. Silly I know and looking back on this I am almost embarrassed to even confess it, being how stupid it is in light of real achievement. But the truth is I wanted to just feel important. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to just know that someone thought I was all right.
I grew up with my grand parents and even though I know they loved me very much, they didn't love me the way I needed to be loved. I needed Parents that cared about my heart and while mine were off somewhere mostly likely getting high I never knew what that was like. I grew up affirming myself. I grew up dreaming grand Ideas of who I wish I were. I was never good at anything, never the kid who made it, never the athlete, never the straight A student, I was never cool, never funny, I wasn't even a good nerd, I just was. And so I would make up these, to me, glorious achievements, of how I was someone. You see I felt so unloved, or even a better way of putting it is that I felt unlovable. That was the definition I came up with to explain my parent's departure. And so I lived a bigger part of my life living in a fantasyland that took me to a place of deep self-obsession. I even to this day struggle with thoughts of self-worth. I am trying to learn how to reprogram my mind and heart. Hoping that someday that when the storms of "self-worth" flood in, the rock of "true-worth" will out weigh and I will be able to stand firm in the fact that I am uniquely made and deeply loved void of fantasy. It is one thing to say you believe these things, like being loved, but it is another to actually live in a way that proves it. I say I believe god loves me and my, oh so small life issues, but the fact I didn't have a father makes relating to "God the father" a very hard thing for me to grasp.
I have been reading "The Divine Conspiracy - By Dallas Willard". A really deep and slow read but very profound. That being said I wanted to state another quote that I think goes along the lines of reprogramming our hearts.
"So any significant change can come only by breaking the stranglehold of the ideas and concepts that automatically shunt aside Jesus, "the Prince of Life" when questions of concrete mastery of our life arise." Dallas Willard
I am finding I have lots of strangleholds. That I have grown up believing life is one way but I am finding that my believe system to quickly falling apart. That the survival modes that I used to pull my self through the pains of childhood are the very things that are killing my life and the ones I love around me today. The self-centeredness that saved my heart from dieing as a child is now my greatest enemy. I think the only hope for life is on the movement of our father to bring us out of the shell of self. It is only there that flesh and blood separate and it is by the blood that we have life.
Music!
So a Couple Weeks ago I had wrote about my favorite record of the year and someone asked me to list a group of maybe ten favs. So here you go. These are 10 records that I think are stellar and yet you might not know about them. Enjoy!!!!!!
Sean Hayes
Ear Wax
Ok so take a really good look at this. What do you think it is? this is pretty stinking amazing. So for the past couple years Kate would say something to me and well, I would be like "speak up can't understand what you are saying". sometimes i would ask her to speak up more than a couple times to where she would start getting really agitated. This has been going on for forever and well I need to say sorry cause I use to blame her for mumbling . Well today Kate was telling me how she had done this ear candle thing and it was really cool, she insisted that we go and get some and try it. So Kate and I meandered down to the store and picked up a couple of these ear candles. When it comes to this kind of stuff I am always kind of skeptical and never really know if I believe it will work. With these things you lay on the ground light them on fire and just wait. kinda freaky really. I kept thinking to myself "my head is going to catch on fire." They get real hot and some how suck the wax right out of your ears. I am just proud to say that I feel like a new man. I hear so much it is almost over whelming. that brown crap is sold wax. where that was in my ear is beyond me. You must be thinking, "do you ever clean your ears?" Yesss! I clean them all the time. who knows. Anyways I will endorse ear candles till i die.
Will!
I will seek his will not his power!
A simple quote yet a really deep thought. I read it in a little book called "tale of two Kings". I have had this thought on the tip of my mind all day. In every conversation and every deed I have done today. It has been haunting me, enticing me to enter into it presence. Like the bull and the red flag, Saying I dare you to come close. I dare you to charge.
I don't know how many times I have found my self on my knees screaming out to God to change my circumstances, my feeling, my heart, my mind, my strength and so on and so on. I have cried and cried for Gods power. For him to do something, for him just to show up. I have challenged him over and over. Claiming if you are there then move. Prove your God. I have tested God, Cursed Him, even yelled at him in anger. I have sought his power over and over. I am not proud just being honest. I am amazed that God still delights in me.
I will seek his will not his power!
In 1 Corinthians 13 the chapter on love it says this-
"If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but I have not love, I gain nothing. 13:2
There is a way to have the Power of God and not be in his will. We seek it all the time. Weather it be insecurities that drive us, or glory and fame or what ever. The power of god is something I think we should be carefully on asking. Sometimes he gives it. And sometimes it is the very thing that destroys us.
David was a man who sought after God and God alone. Even when Saul tried over and over to kill him, he never took his eyes off God. Through trial after trial he never cursed nor sought revenge. He trusted in the Will of his father to bring him through. He trusted that god's will was sufficient to sustain his life. He sought Gods will and in the end God raised him up made him a king gave him all his power and called him a man after his own heart. David never used the power that he was given to his gain but gave it back when the time came for his life to move on. Wow!
I am at a place in my life that the will Of God is the only thing I need. I can't even say I am here on my own, cause that would be dishonest, but more so, say God has brought me here. I have tried this Christian faith for so long on my own. I am tired and my heart is broken. My mind is numb and my legs are weak. I have failed so many times, and yet the truth is that failure is still something I will most likely find in the future. I am excepting that this brokenness that God has been taking me through is somehow for his glory. That this unraveled lump of yarn will someday be woven into a beautiful blanket. I am trusting that god is not done with me yet. That his will is not yet complete and no matter the storm I hope I can sustain the test.
God Willing
I will seek your will not your power!
A simple quote yet a really deep thought. I read it in a little book called "tale of two Kings". I have had this thought on the tip of my mind all day. In every conversation and every deed I have done today. It has been haunting me, enticing me to enter into it presence. Like the bull and the red flag, Saying I dare you to come close. I dare you to charge.
I don't know how many times I have found my self on my knees screaming out to God to change my circumstances, my feeling, my heart, my mind, my strength and so on and so on. I have cried and cried for Gods power. For him to do something, for him just to show up. I have challenged him over and over. Claiming if you are there then move. Prove your God. I have tested God, Cursed Him, even yelled at him in anger. I have sought his power over and over. I am not proud just being honest. I am amazed that God still delights in me.
I will seek his will not his power!
In 1 Corinthians 13 the chapter on love it says this-
"If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but I have not love, I gain nothing. 13:2
There is a way to have the Power of God and not be in his will. We seek it all the time. Weather it be insecurities that drive us, or glory and fame or what ever. The power of god is something I think we should be carefully on asking. Sometimes he gives it. And sometimes it is the very thing that destroys us.
David was a man who sought after God and God alone. Even when Saul tried over and over to kill him, he never took his eyes off God. Through trial after trial he never cursed nor sought revenge. He trusted in the Will of his father to bring him through. He trusted that god's will was sufficient to sustain his life. He sought Gods will and in the end God raised him up made him a king gave him all his power and called him a man after his own heart. David never used the power that he was given to his gain but gave it back when the time came for his life to move on. Wow!
I am at a place in my life that the will Of God is the only thing I need. I can't even say I am here on my own, cause that would be dishonest, but more so, say God has brought me here. I have tried this Christian faith for so long on my own. I am tired and my heart is broken. My mind is numb and my legs are weak. I have failed so many times, and yet the truth is that failure is still something I will most likely find in the future. I am excepting that this brokenness that God has been taking me through is somehow for his glory. That this unraveled lump of yarn will someday be woven into a beautiful blanket. I am trusting that god is not done with me yet. That his will is not yet complete and no matter the storm I hope I can sustain the test.
God Willing
I will seek your will not your power!
Love!
Hang my locket around your neck,
Wear my ring on your finger.
Love is invincible facing danger and death.
Passion laughs at the terrors of hell.
The fire of love stops at nothing-
It sweeps everything before it.
Floodwaters can't drown love,
Torrents of rain can't put it out.
Love can't be bought, love can't be sold-
It's not to be found in the marketplace."
Song of Songs 8: 6-7
I am kind of awed by this passage. I came across it yesterday and was kind of stopped dead in my tracks. I have been studying love a lot lately, mostly because it is something I am not very good at. Jesus said it was the only way. That all else is nothing without it. The scriptures even go, as far as to say that god is love. My whole life I grew up thinking love was a feeling. Something that happens within me, but what I am learning is that it has nothing to do with any of that. It is something we are, a way of life. Jesus said we must die to ourselves, take up our own cross, and follow. In essence I believe he was saying that we must become love. Love is selfless. It is for the good of others. Take a look at "1 Corinthians 13"
If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I'm bankrupt without love.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled. When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good. We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then; see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us! But for right now, until that completeness, we have three thing to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.
1 Corinthians 13
Can I pray?
Jesus we are taken by your ways of life. I pray for you to take us deep into the essence of love. Let it become our way. Let it flood our minds and our hearts. Let it impassionate us. Let it become more than words on our tong. Let it consume us like a blazing fire and engulf everything around us. Transform us into what brings you glory. Transform us into your very essence and that is LOVE! Thanks and amen
Wear my ring on your finger.
Love is invincible facing danger and death.
Passion laughs at the terrors of hell.
The fire of love stops at nothing-
It sweeps everything before it.
Floodwaters can't drown love,
Torrents of rain can't put it out.
Love can't be bought, love can't be sold-
It's not to be found in the marketplace."
Song of Songs 8: 6-7
I am kind of awed by this passage. I came across it yesterday and was kind of stopped dead in my tracks. I have been studying love a lot lately, mostly because it is something I am not very good at. Jesus said it was the only way. That all else is nothing without it. The scriptures even go, as far as to say that god is love. My whole life I grew up thinking love was a feeling. Something that happens within me, but what I am learning is that it has nothing to do with any of that. It is something we are, a way of life. Jesus said we must die to ourselves, take up our own cross, and follow. In essence I believe he was saying that we must become love. Love is selfless. It is for the good of others. Take a look at "1 Corinthians 13"
If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I'm bankrupt without love.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled. When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good. We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then; see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us! But for right now, until that completeness, we have three thing to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.
1 Corinthians 13
Can I pray?
Jesus we are taken by your ways of life. I pray for you to take us deep into the essence of love. Let it become our way. Let it flood our minds and our hearts. Let it impassionate us. Let it become more than words on our tong. Let it consume us like a blazing fire and engulf everything around us. Transform us into what brings you glory. Transform us into your very essence and that is LOVE! Thanks and amen
My Music Pick of the Year
So I consider myself to be a quite the music junky. I play music for a profession but I listen to music any chance i have. I like all kinds of music. Music is the way to the human heart if you ask me. Nothing speaks louder and nothing penetrates the walls that we build. I constantly am finding new music and most records are just a fad for me. I listen for a while then it grows old and I move on. There are just a few who really stick. those who's songs go beyond the melody's of life and become a sound track of the soul. I would have to say this is my pick of the year. "Bon Iver" it is not my normal pick of music cause it is kinda hard to even understand what he is saying. I love deep lyrics. but there is a mood to this record. something very haunting, and lovely. It is not a pop record and it won't make you move. It is a beautiful piece of art and one of the soundtracks I believe will be with me for life. I love the whole record but "stacks" is my favorite. it is near the end. cheers and enjoy
Roots!
Roots!
Well the time is about to come to an end, for the ever so long release of my new record Roots. Thanks you so much for your patience and grace, to allow us to get this record ready for your ears. I am so excited about this record. I don't know that I have ever been so excited about a piece of art, like I am of this one. As an artist there is always a fine line of how artistic you take it and how accessible you make it. There is so much music and I guess you could say I strive to make music that is different and not your everyday "I heard that before" type of music. The problem with this is you can make music that is so "different" that it loses its ability to woo the heart. I honestly feel that this record is going to do both, at least I hope as much :).
I took a really different approach to this record than I have in the past. As much as any of us would like to say pride doesn't exist in our lives, that truth is probably a lie. We all have it to point. As I have grown as an artist I have had to weed this plague from my heart and mind. I use to want only my name on a record. What I mean by this is that I wanted to be the "songwriter" of all my songs. A weird legitimacy that says I am a true musician, and if you don't believe me then just look at the credits. This for me was a pride thing. I didn't just want to be another pop guy that someone else created. I really wanted to be an artist. And I believe because of this mind set it really held me back from really being a great songwriter. Not that would be my title now :), but there is always hope.
Now to get to the different approach, what I did different in this record is, I went into it with willingness and a wanting to grow. I really wanted to make the best Record that I could and if that meant listening to outside voices then that was something I needed to do. I asked if I could start writing with other writers, and so went the journey of this record. There is are some who are self made, or at least they claim, but I am a firm believer that we sharpen one another. That with out each other we would never know what it is we need to change.
I hope that this record will challenge you way of life, deepen the way you love, and draw you closer to the one I love. I am really excited for you to be a part of this journey with me. Let us set our roots in fertile soil that we might be like trees near streams of water.
Cheers
Shawn
I took a really different approach to this record than I have in the past. As much as any of us would like to say pride doesn't exist in our lives, that truth is probably a lie. We all have it to point. As I have grown as an artist I have had to weed this plague from my heart and mind. I use to want only my name on a record. What I mean by this is that I wanted to be the "songwriter" of all my songs. A weird legitimacy that says I am a true musician, and if you don't believe me then just look at the credits. This for me was a pride thing. I didn't just want to be another pop guy that someone else created. I really wanted to be an artist. And I believe because of this mind set it really held me back from really being a great songwriter. Not that would be my title now :), but there is always hope.
Now to get to the different approach, what I did different in this record is, I went into it with willingness and a wanting to grow. I really wanted to make the best Record that I could and if that meant listening to outside voices then that was something I needed to do. I asked if I could start writing with other writers, and so went the journey of this record. There is are some who are self made, or at least they claim, but I am a firm believer that we sharpen one another. That with out each other we would never know what it is we need to change.
I hope that this record will challenge you way of life, deepen the way you love, and draw you closer to the one I love. I am really excited for you to be a part of this journey with me. Let us set our roots in fertile soil that we might be like trees near streams of water.
Cheers
Shawn
Friday
Winter!
Current mood: melting
Category: melting Life
Well I do believe winter is upon us. The reality hit me this morning as I stepped from the cozy warmth of the indoors to the piercing cold of the out. 35º should be illegal. Ha, if only it was that easy. Some of you are probably thinking 35º is nothing, but to this Seattle boy, that is a freezing day, and to my knowledge the cold is just beginning. So I guess it is time to pull out the wool and long johns. This also means I am going to probably have to start wearing shoes. Boo to shoes. I pride fully try to pretend that my feet aren't getting cold in my flips, but truth be told my toes are numb, and I guess it is time to humble myself and admit the cold has defeated my pride.
Now it has been awhile since I last wrote. I go through seasons all the time where the spring is here and the water is flowing, and then like the winter that I found today, it comes and the lake freezes over holding my water within. So yeah you could say the winter has been here for a couple months now.
I had wrote a while back and talked about explaining songs off the new record "Roots" and well there is a song on the record called "Winter". How appropriate is that. So the rest of this blog will be about that.
Winter is the time where everything dies and almost goes into a sleep of sorts. The leaves fall, the flowers fade, the colors mute, the air becomes brittle, the animals hibernate, and the water turns to ice. Life seems to just fade.
I find this very thing called "winter", happening sometimes in my own heart. The cold moves in, the hardness comes, the distance happens, the love becomes dormant. All the life with in me seems to just die, or as winter would put it, it becomes frozen.
I am learning that the only thing that cures my cold, is allowing the Sun to melt it away. That it is the very essence of God that warms the inner most places within. That when we let his warm light in, it melts away the cold darkness, and out of the heart the spring once again comes forth and the water erupts.
Sometimes I feel like winter. Cold I feel,
Icicles a hanging, and it Hard to tell what is real
Cold winter, cold winter day
Frost on the windshield, making it hard to see
The air is like slivers, and it's hard to breath
Cold winter, cold winter day
Warm me up inside
And let your face from me not hide
Cause your are what I long to find
To melt this cold heart of mine
Cause when you are around
I am found
I feel like the prodigal, a wondering weary son,
Gone in search for something beautiful, something to make me one
Cold winter, cold winter day
The world is full of lies that will only rob you blind
Hit ya when you are not looking, steal away your time
Cold winter, cold winter day
Warm me up inside
And let your face from me not hide
Cause your are what I long to find
To melt this cold heart of mine
Cause when you are around
I am found
Current mood: melting
Category: melting Life
Well I do believe winter is upon us. The reality hit me this morning as I stepped from the cozy warmth of the indoors to the piercing cold of the out. 35º should be illegal. Ha, if only it was that easy. Some of you are probably thinking 35º is nothing, but to this Seattle boy, that is a freezing day, and to my knowledge the cold is just beginning. So I guess it is time to pull out the wool and long johns. This also means I am going to probably have to start wearing shoes. Boo to shoes. I pride fully try to pretend that my feet aren't getting cold in my flips, but truth be told my toes are numb, and I guess it is time to humble myself and admit the cold has defeated my pride.
Now it has been awhile since I last wrote. I go through seasons all the time where the spring is here and the water is flowing, and then like the winter that I found today, it comes and the lake freezes over holding my water within. So yeah you could say the winter has been here for a couple months now.
I had wrote a while back and talked about explaining songs off the new record "Roots" and well there is a song on the record called "Winter". How appropriate is that. So the rest of this blog will be about that.
Winter is the time where everything dies and almost goes into a sleep of sorts. The leaves fall, the flowers fade, the colors mute, the air becomes brittle, the animals hibernate, and the water turns to ice. Life seems to just fade.
I find this very thing called "winter", happening sometimes in my own heart. The cold moves in, the hardness comes, the distance happens, the love becomes dormant. All the life with in me seems to just die, or as winter would put it, it becomes frozen.
I am learning that the only thing that cures my cold, is allowing the Sun to melt it away. That it is the very essence of God that warms the inner most places within. That when we let his warm light in, it melts away the cold darkness, and out of the heart the spring once again comes forth and the water erupts.
Sometimes I feel like winter. Cold I feel,
Icicles a hanging, and it Hard to tell what is real
Cold winter, cold winter day
Frost on the windshield, making it hard to see
The air is like slivers, and it's hard to breath
Cold winter, cold winter day
Warm me up inside
And let your face from me not hide
Cause your are what I long to find
To melt this cold heart of mine
Cause when you are around
I am found
I feel like the prodigal, a wondering weary son,
Gone in search for something beautiful, something to make me one
Cold winter, cold winter day
The world is full of lies that will only rob you blind
Hit ya when you are not looking, steal away your time
Cold winter, cold winter day
Warm me up inside
And let your face from me not hide
Cause your are what I long to find
To melt this cold heart of mine
Cause when you are around
I am found
Where O Where
Sorry for my sudden disappearance as of late. My life got a little crazy for a bit and well now I am just getting back to the calm.
I am no longer living in Seattle. Such a sad thought yet it is still good. I told my self over and over again that I would never leave the northwest. I love it there, the mountains, the ocean, the rivers and the culture. It is one of the most beautiful of places and I guess you could say it is rather fond to my heart. But the facts are that I have never lived anywhere else so I am kind of up for a change in pace.
I arrived in Ohio about a week or so ago and despite the many corn fields and lack of coffee shops, I kind a like it here, quite, peaceful, and well just a slow way of living. I get so consumed with everything going on around me that sometimes I forget the importance in slowing down and letting the silence pierce my soul. It is amazing to me how much louder Gods voice becomes when we turn down the volume of life.
I can't say how amazing it was to see my family. I had missed them so much, My beautiful wife and her glowing blue eyes. To lay eyes on the love of my life was well the calming of a long and windy storm. I thank God for giving me such a beautifully strong women. I love her more and more all the time.
My little boy is growing like a bean stock. He is my chubby little monkey of pure baby joy J It is somewhat amazing how fat he is, being he was 4 pounds 8 ounces when he was born. I have found that one of my greatest joys is holding him on my chest and watching him sleep. Being a father is something I never knew I needed. I love it. Anyways I just wanted to let you all know that I am still alive and will be trying to keep the blogs coming.
Cheers
I am no longer living in Seattle. Such a sad thought yet it is still good. I told my self over and over again that I would never leave the northwest. I love it there, the mountains, the ocean, the rivers and the culture. It is one of the most beautiful of places and I guess you could say it is rather fond to my heart. But the facts are that I have never lived anywhere else so I am kind of up for a change in pace.
I arrived in Ohio about a week or so ago and despite the many corn fields and lack of coffee shops, I kind a like it here, quite, peaceful, and well just a slow way of living. I get so consumed with everything going on around me that sometimes I forget the importance in slowing down and letting the silence pierce my soul. It is amazing to me how much louder Gods voice becomes when we turn down the volume of life.
I can't say how amazing it was to see my family. I had missed them so much, My beautiful wife and her glowing blue eyes. To lay eyes on the love of my life was well the calming of a long and windy storm. I thank God for giving me such a beautifully strong women. I love her more and more all the time.
My little boy is growing like a bean stock. He is my chubby little monkey of pure baby joy J It is somewhat amazing how fat he is, being he was 4 pounds 8 ounces when he was born. I have found that one of my greatest joys is holding him on my chest and watching him sleep. Being a father is something I never knew I needed. I love it. Anyways I just wanted to let you all know that I am still alive and will be trying to keep the blogs coming.
Cheers
Hope!
Hope I guess the word of the day. I have been sifting this word now for a while and trying to wrap my head around it. Trying to put sense to its presence in my life.
I am discovering that this one word is the driving force of my life, that without it I find my self with no meaning really at all. Hope really is the driving force to all of our lives. It is what gets us up in the morning. It is what takes us from one place to the next. It in a sense a road map to our discovery what it means to truly live.
I find it so hard for me to believe in just existence, because if all we do is just exist then what is left to hope. If the fact is, that we are what are, and there is no meaning to it, then why do I even go on. What is the point. There is no reason for discovery, or mystery or anything else. We would just be.
Hope: to have a wish to get or do something or for something to happen or be true, especially something that seems possible or likely ? I would add, things impossible or unlikely
1. a feeling that something desirable is likely to happen
2. a chance that something desirable will happen or be possible
3. something that somebody wants to have or do or wants to happen or be true
4. somebody or something that seems likely to bring success or relief
5. a feeling of trust (archaic)
these are the definitions that my dictionary gave me to hope. The chance for better days, really.
I believe hope is one of the most important things we can own. We should at all cost, no matter the pain, never let it die. Cause when it does, I believe our hearts die as well. With a dead heart comes a dead soul.
I am a very hopeful human being. I believe there is hope. I believe there is meaning. It is what drives me. I would also go as far as to say that I KNOW there is hope, that it has proven its self to me time and time again. I also believe in you and I choose to impart my hope in you for the sake of seeing you find life. I hope for you. I pray for you. I would even say I love you.
I am discovering that this one word is the driving force of my life, that without it I find my self with no meaning really at all. Hope really is the driving force to all of our lives. It is what gets us up in the morning. It is what takes us from one place to the next. It in a sense a road map to our discovery what it means to truly live.
I find it so hard for me to believe in just existence, because if all we do is just exist then what is left to hope. If the fact is, that we are what are, and there is no meaning to it, then why do I even go on. What is the point. There is no reason for discovery, or mystery or anything else. We would just be.
Hope: to have a wish to get or do something or for something to happen or be true, especially something that seems possible or likely ? I would add, things impossible or unlikely
1. a feeling that something desirable is likely to happen
2. a chance that something desirable will happen or be possible
3. something that somebody wants to have or do or wants to happen or be true
4. somebody or something that seems likely to bring success or relief
5. a feeling of trust (archaic)
these are the definitions that my dictionary gave me to hope. The chance for better days, really.
I believe hope is one of the most important things we can own. We should at all cost, no matter the pain, never let it die. Cause when it does, I believe our hearts die as well. With a dead heart comes a dead soul.
I am a very hopeful human being. I believe there is hope. I believe there is meaning. It is what drives me. I would also go as far as to say that I KNOW there is hope, that it has proven its self to me time and time again. I also believe in you and I choose to impart my hope in you for the sake of seeing you find life. I hope for you. I pray for you. I would even say I love you.
A Playboy and a Cave
Caught your intention didn't I. Well that was what I was trying to do. I am going to tell you a story that is as real as it gets: A story that is set in the youth of my life.
When I was younger I would go on grand adventures in the battle lands of my back yard. I lived on a canyon and would explore, explore, explore. On this sunny hot Oregon day I didn't realize the impact it would have on the rest of my life.
I was playing as usual and stumbled upon a cave that I had never explored. So being the curious little bugger I am I went spelunking. This cave was one of the best I had found and went in quite deep. I really couldn't see real well cause it was dark, but something caught my eye while I was in there. I could see something stashed up in the crack of one of the sides. Little did I know how this find would change my way of life forever. As I went over to check it out, I discovered it was a magazine of some sorts. So I grabbed it and headed out side to see what I had found. When I open its pages I found something that was so foreign to me, pictures of nude women.
Now being an 11-year-old kid this was well a quite shocking find. I had never seen a naked woman before and was quite fascinated with the sight of one. Something moved inside of me that I had never felt. A weird longing, and a weird attraction.
I was a bit sheltered as a kid and my grand parents were kind of afraid to talk about these things with me. I guess it was just the whole generational gap between us. But as the facts come in, I really didn't know what to do with this awkward find. So I keep it hidden. I didn't know that this one encounter would affect my heart the way it did.
As I grew older this hidden attraction never left and I found my self addicted to these things. It was easy I guess, I was shy and I liked what I saw and there for it required nothing of me. I could feel intimate with a woman and not have to do anything. I didn't have to be a man.
This battle has been one of the hardest I have ever faced but it is so worth it. As I learn of love I also learn of lust. The two do not exist together. I know this is one of the greatest struggles for a man and in this day and age it is so easy to find. I know it is easy to hide as well. I also know it destroys your heart and numbs you to love.
I wanted to bring this up and be one who leads in it. I want to challenge boys to stand and be men. I know the struggle and I know the destruction it brings. I know the guilt and the dirty way it leaves you feeling.
I also know there is a way out. That this is something that can be overcome. It is a vulnerable place for me and feels crazy that I am sharing it. I also need to follow the leading of God and this is where I believe he has lead my blog today. But I know this struggle is real and I also know it must be faced.
The eyes are a lamp to our soul. We need to be careful what we put in them. Cause it really affects us and our hearts. I am going to give you a website that is all about this. I encourage you to down load the program you find, and find someone who will keep you accountable for this. I believe that in acting on this and confession that this is something we can overcome. I don't care who you are and how strong you think you are, it is in that pride that we fall. This is a problem that should be destroyed.
Sometimes it helps me to think of the girls who pose this way and to consider their hearts. I know that really all they are wanting is love and they like anyone else who is deceived into thinking this is the way about it. The more I grow here the more it pains my heart that I could at one time be part of this problem. As I grow in love I am starting to see differently. I feel for the heart of those stuck here. It is a deadly place. One of the deadliest in my opinion cause it kills the heart.
Stand up with me.
http://www.x3watch.com/
cheers
When I was younger I would go on grand adventures in the battle lands of my back yard. I lived on a canyon and would explore, explore, explore. On this sunny hot Oregon day I didn't realize the impact it would have on the rest of my life.
I was playing as usual and stumbled upon a cave that I had never explored. So being the curious little bugger I am I went spelunking. This cave was one of the best I had found and went in quite deep. I really couldn't see real well cause it was dark, but something caught my eye while I was in there. I could see something stashed up in the crack of one of the sides. Little did I know how this find would change my way of life forever. As I went over to check it out, I discovered it was a magazine of some sorts. So I grabbed it and headed out side to see what I had found. When I open its pages I found something that was so foreign to me, pictures of nude women.
Now being an 11-year-old kid this was well a quite shocking find. I had never seen a naked woman before and was quite fascinated with the sight of one. Something moved inside of me that I had never felt. A weird longing, and a weird attraction.
I was a bit sheltered as a kid and my grand parents were kind of afraid to talk about these things with me. I guess it was just the whole generational gap between us. But as the facts come in, I really didn't know what to do with this awkward find. So I keep it hidden. I didn't know that this one encounter would affect my heart the way it did.
As I grew older this hidden attraction never left and I found my self addicted to these things. It was easy I guess, I was shy and I liked what I saw and there for it required nothing of me. I could feel intimate with a woman and not have to do anything. I didn't have to be a man.
This battle has been one of the hardest I have ever faced but it is so worth it. As I learn of love I also learn of lust. The two do not exist together. I know this is one of the greatest struggles for a man and in this day and age it is so easy to find. I know it is easy to hide as well. I also know it destroys your heart and numbs you to love.
I wanted to bring this up and be one who leads in it. I want to challenge boys to stand and be men. I know the struggle and I know the destruction it brings. I know the guilt and the dirty way it leaves you feeling.
I also know there is a way out. That this is something that can be overcome. It is a vulnerable place for me and feels crazy that I am sharing it. I also need to follow the leading of God and this is where I believe he has lead my blog today. But I know this struggle is real and I also know it must be faced.
The eyes are a lamp to our soul. We need to be careful what we put in them. Cause it really affects us and our hearts. I am going to give you a website that is all about this. I encourage you to down load the program you find, and find someone who will keep you accountable for this. I believe that in acting on this and confession that this is something we can overcome. I don't care who you are and how strong you think you are, it is in that pride that we fall. This is a problem that should be destroyed.
Sometimes it helps me to think of the girls who pose this way and to consider their hearts. I know that really all they are wanting is love and they like anyone else who is deceived into thinking this is the way about it. The more I grow here the more it pains my heart that I could at one time be part of this problem. As I grow in love I am starting to see differently. I feel for the heart of those stuck here. It is a deadly place. One of the deadliest in my opinion cause it kills the heart.
Stand up with me.
http://www.x3watch.com/
cheers